With so many false religious doctrines cropping up around Uganda, it is now very official that the fastest way to make money in this country right now has nothing to do with trade, agriculture or politics. All you have to do is become a false prophet or teacher and you will have opened the flood gates of cash from foolish and idle citizens. Today we unleash for you the standard manual on how to survive and make it big in this wicked industry.
1. Lack of conscience:
If you are going to make it big in this industry of false prophecy, the first thing that you ought to totally erase from your system is a conscience. Your heart should be as stone cold or if not even colder than the ones possessed by Kony and his boys because it will involve you fleecing widows, orphans and dying HIV patients of their hard earned monies and property in the belief that you have God on speed dial and that your word is a command to him.
2. Read your Bible:
Success in the industry of false prophecy relies very much on how much of the scriptures you have crammed and your ability to twist these scriptures around to your own benefit. So you ought to know a considerable number of scriptures off head from the book of Genesis down to Revelations. But never at one time should you try to understand these scriptures in their actual context because then you will be veering off course from your intended goal.
3. Be a great Liar
No one and I repeat no one has ever made it in this industry without being a great liar. If you are the type that speaks one sentence and you are stopped mid-way the conversation because the other person has realized that you are telling a lie then surely this industry is not for you because you will be nipped in the bud. Actually, you ought to embrace your daddy Satan since he is the father of all liars. He might just drop you a few notes on how to tell more and better lies
4. Be a Great Orator
If your oratory skills are lacking then surely this industry is no playground for you and you will fail miserably and die poor even before you actual time has arrived.
5. Have a strong team
Get yourself a team of strong learned men and women who believe in your false vision and make them swear an oath of secrecy. This team should mainly be comprised of super talented marketing and sales people so that they can sell your dream to the world in record time. This team will also help you go the distance by shielding you from all the criticisms that you will be getting from genuine men of God and social media sites like Facebook and twitter. Remember to always pay them well lest they burst your bubble and leave you naked.
6. Develop Defense mechanism against saboteurs
Your journey as you kick start a career in a false prophecy is bound to be an ultimately rocky one before it gets smoother and as you get wealthier you will attract quite an number of enemies so it is best you consulted some of the top witches in the country so as to get some super natural powers to protect yourself. Openly curse your enemies for it is clearly written in the scripture ‘touch not the anointed one of God.’
7. Preach the gospel of success and act it.
As a false prophet you have no business trying to cast demons out from other people since you are demon possessed yourself or most likely a demon. So all you have to do is focus your sermons on wealth since that is the one thing that Ugandans can listen to every single day of their lives minus ever getting tired. When praying for them continuously declare wealth upon their lives but above all teach them the principle of sowing and reaping. Organize days/festivals your flock come to honour you with the fruits of their labour and when this done please import the most expensive car on the market most probably a Toyota Land cruiser 2017 model, Range Rover or the latest Mercedes Benz as your flock walk back home or scramble for taxis. Before I forget you cannot be a prophet without shiny sharp pointed shoes, expensive jewellery and exclusive shirts. If you ever imagined that making money was so hard then you hadn’t tried of being a false prophet. Go ahead and succeed but remember that judgement day awaits you and no amount of water will stop the fire as you are burnt thoroughly well for having used God’s name in vain.
Disclaimer: This article is for satirical purposes and should not be used by anyone to fleece money from the general public but it should rather enlighten people on the wickedness of some of the so called pastors and false prophets.